Death Toll
by dead drifter
Summary: What happened to Kakuzu's previous partners?
1. Chapter 1

"Death Toll"

Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, Pledge (no really, I don't have a single can of the stuff), "A Weekend at Bernie's" or Dunkin Donuts.

Summary: What happened to all of Kakuzu's previous partners?

* * *

**Partner #1**

"I'm hungry, can we stop for some food?"

"No."

"Aw, come on, Kakuzu! We've been walking all day without a single bite to eat, you've got to be hungry too by now!"

"…Nope."

"That's it! I'm stopping at the next town, whether you like it or not, and I'm getting something to eat."

"Yeah?" Kakuzu said, eyes flashing dangerously. Noroma, his fat, lazy, inept partner, glared back. Apparently he had a death wish. Or he was extremely stupid…or maybe both.

"Yeah. And I'm not sharing, you mooching bastard."

"How are you going to pay for it?" Kakuzu asked, his voice nearly a growl. Noroma smirked.

"If you don't give me the money, I'll just have to TAKE it from you."

A vein started to throb at Kakuzu's temple, but because of his mask, no one could see it, so a corny anime vein appeared on top of his head, looking like the asterisk's drunk cousin.

"Go ahead and try it, fat ass," Kakuzu snarled. To his surprise, Noroma did just that.

* * *

Kakuzu's mind snapped, everything went black, and all he remembered after the tub of lard started reaching for his money bag without permission was the swift fwoosh of his threads, a blood curdling scream and the sick (yet satisfying) splatter of things meant to stay inside a human body.

* * *

**Partner #2**

"Let me guess…this one tried to take your money too?" Pein said from his newspaper. Kakuzu sat across from Sir Leader's desk, glaring at his bloodstained hands.

"No…he chewed with his mouth open."

"…"

"…Konan, call that little guy with the mohawk, then," Pein said to the blue haired kunoichi seated at the smaller desk by the window.

"Yes, sir," she said tonelessly while filing her nails…

* * *

**Partner #3**

"Is there something wrong, Kyouki? You seem awfully…stiff…today," Pein murmured while gazing up over his newspaper. Kyouki, Kakuzu's third partner, nodded so vigorously that his head fell off, rolling across the dining table to land in Itachi's plate of undercooked meatloaf.

Everyone froze, Deidara's hands stopped in mid-lick, and even Tobi, who happened to be invited to dinner that day, didn't break the awkward silence with one of his random outbursts.

Kakuzu tried to look anywhere but at his partner's decapitated head. Sasori had his hands under the table, looking like he was on the verge of bursting into laughter.

Pein set down his newspaper and stared at Kakuzu.

"And what," Pein asked slowly, eyebrows disappearing into his hair, "did Kyouki do to you, to have his carcass transformed into a puppet?"

Sasori lost it, laughing so hard that he started crying tears of Pledge. His hold on the chakra strings faltered, and Kyouki's body toppled sideways into Kisame.

"Fucking Weekend at Bernie's around here," Kisame snarled, pushing the puppet off of him with Samehada.

Nearly everyone (except for Itachi and Pein) were laughing hysterically, until Pein gave a particularly unsettling look around the table that made everyone fall silent.

"Well? Are you going to answer me, Kakuzu?" Pein asked coldly.

"Kyouki has a smart mouth," Kakuzu said, crossing his arms.

"HAD a smart mouth, hm," Deidara added with his trademark shit eating grin.

"I'm docking your pay," Pein declared bluntly, and amid Kakuzu's disbelieving stuttering, Sir Leader folded up his newspaper, tucked it under his arm, and left for his study.

A second or so after Pein swept out of the dining room, he heard the distinctive loud THUD of a body hitting the floor.

"Oh…My…GOD, HE'S HAVING A HEART ATTACK! TOBI, QUICK, GET THE CAMERA, HM!" Deidara roared amidst bouts of laughter.

* * *

**Partner #4**

"Quit scratching."

"I can't help it! Oh…it itches, it itches, _it itches_!"

Kakuzu glared, but it wasn't all that impressive on account of the reading glasses sliding down his nose. The small grungy motel room would have been silent, if not for his current partner's incessant scratching, gnawing and groaning.

"If you don't stop scratching, I'm going to cut your damned hands off and shove them up your ass."

The scratching stopped. Blissful silence filled the room, but Kakuzu's moment of Zen was short lived as his partner started rubbing his back up against the headboard of his bed instead, banging it loudly into the wall.

Kakuzu snapped his abacus into pieces, the little sliding balls pouring onto the covers.

"One. More. Chance," he growled between gritted teeth. Kakuzu was starting to fall apart at his seams. No really, his threads were coming out of his arms and shoulders. Inuzuka Pochi, AKA Partner Number Four, froze.

"Look, I can't help it, honest! Like you've never had fleas before!"

Kakuzu blinked.

"No…can't say that I have…"

"Really?"

Kakuzu scowled at the ruined remains of his abacus.

"Really, normal people don't get fleas. Only weirdos like YOU do."

His rather dog-like partner leapt to his feet as if Kakuzu had slapped him in the face with a glove and challenged him to a duel.

"Hey, look who's talking, Frankenstein!"

Of the many insults Kakuzu has suffered through over the years, that was one of the few Kakuzu declared unforgivable. Inuzuka Pochi (who happened to be Inuzuka Kiba's estranged uncle) found that out the hard way. His decapitated, organ-devoid body was found in a dumpster behind the Dunkin Donuts in Konoha the next day.

Pein summoned everyone to an emergency meeting the night the body of Pochi was found.

"This is getting ridiculous. Kakuzu, I'm sending you to anger management class."

"WHAT?!"

Kakuzu clutched at his chest, feeling a heart attack coming on. He had those a lot, poor thing…

"If you don't go, I'm going to deduct the cost of placing an ad in the paper for a new partner from your pay."

"…fine," Kakuzu grumbled, trying to think happy thoughts, like how much money he made off of selling Pochi's organs on the black market.

* * *

**Partner #5**

Amidst a flurry of red and gold and orange leaves stood a masked man in a high collared black cloak adorned with red clouds. At his feet, with a rake protruding from his chest, was a dying man, who gave one last shudder before falling silent. Kakuzu watched for a moment, then went back to raking leaves, being sure to cover up the body. He'd fetch Zetsu later to….tidy up for him…

"Did you learn ANYTHING in Anger Management?" Pein said furiously as he and the rest of Akatsuki stood outside, watching a pair of feet disappear down Zetsu's throat.

Kakuzu had the decency to look ashamed, looking down at his feet like a small child being scolded by its mother.

"It was an accident!" Kakuzu insisted. Pein just shook his head, looking up at the heavens as if to ask 'Why me?'

* * *

**Partner #6**

"Hey, Zetsu, you got a second?" Kakuzu asked, eyes shifting left and right to make sure no one else was around. Zetsu opened his fly trap a crack so he could look at him.

"…I was napping, what do you want?"

Kakuzu glanced nervously around the yard again before answering.

"Well…I had an accident."

The fly trap opened wider and Zetsu looked over the masked man's head to see a body lying beside a pile of leaves, a rake protruding from its chest. Zetsu sighed heavily.

"Again?!"

"I told you it was an accident. Are you going to help me or not?" Kakuzu asked, his voice rising in anger. Zetsu narrowed his eyes at him.

"**Don't raise your voice to me**," the black half of Zetsu said. The white side sighed again.

"_I just ate…you'll have to dispose of the body yourself_."

Kakuzu balled his fists in frustration.

"Just ate…but you've been just standing there for hours, all closed up!"

"**Are you calling me a liar**?" the black half growled.

"Hmph!" Kakuzu whirled and stomped over to the dead body of his late partner. He glared at the body for a few minutes, then his eyes flashed. He had an idea...

* * *

The following morning was garbage day. Kakuzu volunteered to take the garbage and yard waste to the front of the house. The garbage truck came and went, and later, while everyone was eating breakfast, the yard waste was collected. When the truck got to the Akatsuki house, there were horrified screams.

Everyone froze but Kakuzu, who continued to eat his oatmeal and read the Business section of the newspaper as if nothing was happening. The screams continued. A sweat drop appeared on Kakuzu's face.

"Kakuzu, why are the garbage men screaming? Hm?" Deidara asked. Kakuzu cleared his throat.

"How should I know?"

"Where is your partner, by the way?" Pein asked, peering above his newspaper. Kakuzu swallowed hard.

"He's…sleeping in today."

Deidara had left the table and peered out of the living room window as the truck floored it, driving down the road and squealing around a corner and out of sight. The yard waste was left behind.

"Hey, those bastards didn't take our trash! Hm!" Deidara said, face pressed into the glass of the window.

Pein raised an eyebrow and set down his paper. Uh oh.

"Where is Kabocha?" Pein asked coldly. Kakuzu set down his portion of the newspaper as well. No use lying now.

"He's in the yard waste bags…" Kakuzu answered reluctantly. Pein rolled up his newspaper and pointed it threateningly.

"That's it. I'm going to find you ONE more partner…and if you kill this one, you're out of Akatsuki."

"What?"

"You heard me…"

"But…the only way to get out of Akatsuki…is to die…" Kakuzu said slowly. Sasori, who had been spraying Pledge into his mouth, looked to the unofficial Treasurer of Akatsuki.

"Orochimaru got out…and he's not dead…"

"I cut his arm off," Itachi said conversationally from his plate of blackened eggs and bacon.

"But I make more money in Akatsuki…" Kakuzu muttered, more to himself than anyone in particular. Pein nodded, thinking he might get somewhere this time.

"If you want to continue making money, you need to stop killing your partners. This is your last chance. Partner Number Seven better outlast the others, or you're out. Understand?"

Kakuzu nodded.

* * *

Next Time: Who is going to be Partner #7? Well, to practically give it away, it's someone who actually outlasts Kakuzu! Kinda...heh...

A/N: For the partners I bothered to name, I used words I found in my Japanese dictionary. Well, Inuzuka Pochi is named after Inari's dog from way in the beginning of Naruto.

Noroma: sluggish, dull witted person

Kyouki: madness or lethal weapon

Kabocha: pumpkin

* * *


	2. Chapter 2

Death Toll Chapter 2: "Lucky Number Seven"

Summary: This is Kakuzu's last chance. Kill this partner, and he's dead. Unfortunately, the Jashin's Witness beats him to it.

A/N: Sorry I didn't finish this earlier, I kind of lost interest in it…then I watched some old stand up featuring Lewis Black, and his constant swearing got me back in the Jashin spirit!

Disclaimer: I don't own Naruto or Pledge or anything else.

* * *

It took Pein three months to find another victim…er, I mean rogue ninja, to be Kakuzu's partner. The mysterious Leader had made it very clear that if Kakuzu killed this one, deemed "Lucky Number Seven" by Deidara, he would find himself dead as well.

The morning Lucky Number Seven was supposed to arrive, Pein had everyone busy with chores. Kakuzu vacuumed. Konan did the dishes, using paper towels she stripped right off of her own body. She apparently was just as cheap as Kakuzu with some things…and for some reason, no one thought that what she was doing was gross.

Sasori dusted, though he spent most of that time spraying _himself_ with Pledge instead of the coffee table. Everyone was horrified by the thought that a puppet was turned on by rubbing himself down with furniture polish. (I will probably NEVER get tired of adding in Pledge whenever I can. If you get tired of it…I'll start using off brands. Like Behold!)

Itachi was assigned with the task of mopping the kitchen floor, which meant that Kisame mopped while Itachi inspected his work.

Kisame's own task was to make breakfast with Tobi, but Itachi's Sharingan enhanced eyes kept the poor shark nin busy for hours. So, Tobi was left alone to cook.

Deidara was supposed to clean the bathroom, but after seeing one strand of his hair out of place, he spent the next two to three hours fixing it. Rest assured that by the time the guest came to the house, the bathroom was in worse shape than before Deidara "cleaned" it.

Pein went up into the attic to make sure his other five bodies were saftely tucked in their weird ass space beds from Alien (it's okay if you don't know what I'm talking about.)

Zetsu stayed outside, soaking up the sun and chatting with bees.

* * *

At 10:00 am, Pein called everyone into the living room, except for Tobi, who was still cooking. 

"Alright, he should be here any minute now. When the doorbell rings, Kakuzu, I want you to open the door and…be polite. And put your mask back on, you scared the hell out of those girl scouts last week."

"They were trying to kill me with cookies."

Pein glared. Kakuzu slipped his mask on.

* * *

Mushimaru, a missing nin from Hidden Rock, was minding his own business, walking down the road to get to a job interview, when a Jashin priest crossed his path. 

"Hey, little prick, I need to talk to you about Jashin."

Mushimaru froze.

"Uh….what?"

The Jashin priest rolled his eyes.

"Seriously, is everyone a moron around here? JASHIN. As in, God."

"I know who God is…but who the hell is Jashin? Is that like Santa Clause for Japs?"

A three bladed scythe soared through the air, and Mushimaru might have been a kick ass ninja, or perhaps the only rogue ninja in the immediate area dumb enough to take on a job that no one so far has survived, but he was very neatly, very efficiently, beheaded.

The priest grabbed up the head by the hair and carried it up to the line of houses, glad he had the severed head, as it would help him demonstrate the power of the faith of Jashin…

* * *

"Hey, there's a dude with a severed head walking up the Donavan's drive, un," Deidara said, who was sitting on the love seat and peering out of the window. 

"Could that be the new guy?" Kisame asked, sitting next to Deidara so he could look out the window too. Deidara wrinkled his nose.

"You smell like you drowned in Pine Sol, hm."

"Yeah, well you smell like…" Kisame leaned in close to Deidara and sniffed his hair, "strawberries n' cream. Real manly."

"Shut up, hm," Deidara said, blushing and getting up from the window.

"If that's the guy, then he's at the wrong house. Kakuzu, he's supposed to be your partner, go get him."

"I'm not going over to the Donavan's house."

"Why? Because Bonnie didn't like the quilt you made for her?" Sasori said with a smirk.

By now, the living room smelled strongly of chemically altered lemon, pine AND strawberries n' cream. Which merged into one very putrid smell.

"Bonnie loved it. But…I couldn't just give it AWAY…" Kakuzu said, sounding whiny. Which didn't happen often.

"He tried to SELL it to her. For ten grand, hm," Deidara said with a laugh. A second later, he was dodging a detached fist that soared towards his face.

"Looks like the Donovans are pretending to not be home. The dude's coming over here now," Kisame said from the window.

Pein shooed Kakuzu over to the door.

"Answer it when he knocks. Remember, manners," Pein chimed.

"Yeah yeah…" Kakuzu growled.

Right on cue, the dude knocked, and Kakuzu opened the door with a smile, even though "dude" couldn't see it because Sir Leader had insisted that Kakuzu wear his mask.

"Hello," Kakuzu said cheerily, feeling his need to kill rising. Deidara was laughing in the background…Kakuzu decided an early demise for the cheeky little bastard.

Dude arched both his eyebrows, giving off a cocky vibe Kakuzu immediately loathed.

"Why in the hell are you wearing a mask? Seriously, are you the homeowner or the fucking robber?"

Kakuzu blinked.

"Excuse me?"

"Whatever, I'm here to talk to you about the one true God, Jashin-sama."

Kakuzu blinked, looked over his shoulder at Pein, who scratched his head, then looked back to the…Jashin's witness.

"I'd…rather you didn't."

It was the Jashinist's turn to blink. He recovered quickly, shaking the severed head he was holding in Kakuzu's face. Kakuzu backed up, trying very, very hard not to impale the sick fuck.

"You see this fuck head? He didn't believe, wouldn't even HEAR what I had to say. And now look at him. He's a fucking HEAD. And his soul is rotting in fucking HELL. Do you really want to go to hell? Do ya?"

Kakuzu sighed. This guy was clearly NOT the new guy.

"I really don't want to hear your bullshit. None of us do."

"Oh, really? Well, I got some pamphlets to read here…hold this, will ya, numb nuts?"

The Jashin's witness pushed the severed head into Kakuzu's hands while he fished out pamphlets from his pocket. Deidara had come forward in curiosity, and Hidan threw the pamphlets at him.

"Accept Lord Jashin as your Savior, and you shall live Forever…huh?"

Hidan had smiled while Deidara read aloud, nodding.

"Yep, that's right. Immortality."

"Look, we're really not interested in joining a cult, so fuck off or I'll cut YOUR head off, stick it on a pole and use it as a mailbox," Kakuzu growled impatiently.

The priest smiled.

"You're a Christian, aren't you?" he asked suddenly. Kakuzu rolled his eyes.

"I'm an atheist. And proud of it. Now go away."

Kakuzu threw the severed head at the priest and made to slam the door in his face. Unfortunately, the priest jammed the door with the head.

"Hey, I'm not done with you yet!"

Pein walked over, peering at the severed head.

"You know what? That looks like the guy I hired," he said conversationally. Kakuzu whirled.

"What?!"

"Yeah…and this Jashin's witness killed him. I say we let him in."

"Fuckin' A!" the priest roared, stepping over the head and letting himself in.

* * *

"So…is he Lucky Number Seven, or Number Eight? Hm?" 

"He called you 'numb nuts'!" Sasori said, then quickly slid deep within the bowels of Hiruko to giggle hysterically.

"I can't believe you didn't kill him," Kisame said, dumbfounded.

"…" Itachi said, which wasn't anything at all. The 'camera' switched to him just for the hell of it.

"For a priest, he sure cusses a lot," Konan said, arms crossed and glaring.

Pein had taken the priest, who was named Hidan in case you didn't figure it out by now, into his office to have a private chat. So naturally, the rest of Akatsuki were in the hallway, pressing their ears against the door to Pein's office. No one could hear anything, however.

"I've never heard of his religion. If he tries to make us all drink poisoned koolaid, we should feed him to Zetsu," Kisame said, who loved Jesus almost as much as he loved his Samehada. Everyone murmured in agreement at this.

They didn't trust the occult priest. And they assumed (or prayed) that Kakuzu would kill him within a week. Unfortunately, Hidan really WAS immortal, and so, he outlived everyone in Akatsuki. But that's a story for another time. Like, years in the future, when Tobi takes over the world and Sai becomes the Hokage.

* * *

End! 


End file.
